Quite frequently when a companion is talking, rather than carefully listening, we are composing our response to them. This is a very human tendency. But it is a bit dishonest, pretending to listen while actually composing. True deep and honest listening to another person is a rare and valued talent.

There is an underlying fear that if we are focused on what the other is saying, then when they’ve completed their statements, we’ll not have anything to say. But this turns out not to be true. It’s amazing how when it comes our turn to speak, if we were deeply listening to our companion, uncannily appropriate responses occur almost immediately.

How many times have we heard from another that they just want to be heard? How many times have we rued that no one is hearing us? I’ve found that when someone is upset about something all I need to do is listen to them and not try to fix the problem. Often I’ll be sincerely thanked by the other even though I didn’t do anything except listen to their issues. Sometimes that’s all that is actually needed.

People love others who truly listen to them. If you want people to like you, I don’t know of a more effective method than just simply being a good listener. In your profession or business being able to deeply listen will make you much more effective. It is also almost mandatory for effective conflict resolution; as being able to clearly hear both sides is essential for finding an effective solution

Deep listening is a skill that needs to be practiced. The more you do it the better you’ll get. It is useful to contemplate on prior communications and honestly identify when you were listening and when you were not and think about how to improve. Contemplative practice itself can help to develop this skill by practicing listening to yourself deeply and nonjudgmentally.

If we listen we can learn from the other. When we’re talking we learn nothing. So, deep listening has the added benefit of learning new things.

Let’s be honest and listen to others deeply and clearly.

CMCS

In previous posts we explored the need for honesty in quieting the mind, in understanding our mental contents, and our reactions to others. Another facet that can be explored in contemplative practice is communicating with others.

We need to look very honestly and carefully at what is occurring in the process of our communicating with others. It is first imperative to take an honest look at what exactly we are trying to accomplish in the communication. On the surface it may seem obvious, but a very deep honest contemplative investigation may reveal that there are much deeper objectives.

We may think that in our communications that we’re simply responding to another’s statements or providing information that is of interest or use to another. But, ask yourself precisely why you’re transmitting this particular information or responding in this particular way. Could it be that underlying this is a desire to be liked or admired by the other, to look intelligent or wise, or perhaps a need to be agreed with, or the desire to convince the other that you are correct, or even a need to feel superior to the other person? In other words is the communication serving for you a psychological function?

If it is, don’t feel bad, this is normal and human. It’s perfectly OK. But realizing the underlying agenda will not only help us to understand our own psychology, but also perhaps change our communications, making them more honest and sincere.

Once we have identified our real objectives in the communication, we can then look at the objectives of the other person. What is it that they really want from us? The underlying needs may be similar to our own or quite different. That doesn’t matter. What makes a difference is to know what the objective is and craft our response to what it is that they are trying to accomplish.

If the other person’s objective is to be agreed with or convince you that they are correct, we can tailor our answer by recognizing and communicating what we do agree with within the communication, while holding off disagreeing with the parts we don’t. Immediately disagreeing with the other person will not result in a satisfying communication. Rather it is likely to harden the others opinion and elicit emotions that can make it even more difficult to communicate.

It is not necessary to be dishonest or manipulative. It is only necessary to understand the underlying agenda and work with it rather than causing friction by working against it. This is true both with yourself and the other person. Contemplate deeply and honestly regarding what is actually transpiring in the communication and have a much more satisfying interpersonal interaction.

Let’s be honest and look at our communications with others deeply and clearly.

CMCS

In previous posts we explored the need for honesty in quieting the mind and in understanding our mental contents. These are, however, just two facets of what can be accomplished in contemplative practice. Another facet is understanding others.

During contemplative practice ours minds frequently turn to others and their relationships with us. Our minds review, interpret, and judge our interactions with others often seeing their words or behavior as reflecting something about us. This person doesn’t like me or is angry with me. That person is rude or is not listening to me. This other person is trying to manipulate me or get something from me. Our interactions with someone else from the distant past could have been different if we had acted differently, etc.

In our contemplative practice we have an opportunity to explore these thoughts and we can learn from them if we are scrupulously honest with ourselves. We should ask ourselves simply do we know these things for sure. What is the evidence we’re using and does it unambiguously prove that our conclusions are true. Most of the time we’ll find out that we’re leaping to conclusions that are not so much tied to facts as to our interpretations and judgments about those facts.

If we pursue this it will begin to dawn on us that perhaps the other person actually likes us or is not at all angry with us, or is not ignoring or manipulating us but acting out of their own issues. We can see that no matter how much we try we cannot change the past, it’s gone, and will never be repeated. An honest look at the evidence can help us to see that our interpretations reflect more our internal issues than the actual feelings or beliefs of others.

It takes honesty with ourselves but we can come to understand that others are not upsetting us, we’re upsetting ourselves, others are not hurting us we’re hurting ourselves, others can’t manipulate us unless we let them, and events in the past can’t effect us if we let them go. We are the ones in control, not others.

This can be a revolutionary insight. Once we realize that we’re in control then we understand that we can be the masters of our emotions and lives. We can then take charge.

Let’s be honest and look at our responses to others deeply and clearly.

CMCS