Self-esteem

Love thyself

psyjdc 6 Comments

 

“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.” ~Malcolm S. Forbes

 

There is a widespread problem in the west that many people don’t seem to like themselves.  The term used to describe this in psychology is self-loathing, although this term is far too strong and is not an appropriate descriptor for the majority of people. In general, the dislike of self has a much smaller magnitude than the word loathing implies. As a result I prefer self-dislike.

 

The self-dislike sometimes means that the individual dislikes every aspect of themselves; but most frequently people only don’t like certain aspects of themselves. Often it is there physical appearance, their school achievement, their career, their social behavior, etc. Making matters worse, they tend to overlook their strengths and discount them, focusing instead in the parts that they find problematic.

 

The discounting and overlooking of strengths shows up in what psychologists call the Imposter Syndrome. Here very successful people do not appear to be able to assimilate their success and instead attribute it to luck. The esteem with which they’re held makes them feel like imposters. It is estimated that two out of five successful people consider themselves frauds that 70 percent of all people feel like impostors at one time or another.

 

When this issue of self-dislike was raised to the Dalai Lama he was totally perplexed and repeatedly asked for clarifications. Not liking oneself is unheard of in his culture. So, he was dumbfounded and without comment. Hence, the problem seems to be primarily one of western culture. This suggests that self-dislike is learned within a particular cultural context with western culture and its values particularly adept at producing it.

 

There are sometimes circumstances that underlie self-dislike. Abuse or bullying, belittling parents, learning disabilities, physical appearance or disabilities are apt to result in self-dislike. But, most frequently it originates from western culture’s tendency to promote unrealistic expectations.

 

Physical appearance is a good case in point where the media holds up extraordinarily attractive individuals as what we should strive to be. Very, very few people can ever measure up and so can end up disliking their appearance. Academic achievement is another case where for many anything less than an “A” is seen as failure. Once again few can measure up and most end up disliking their intellectual ability. Sports are another case where the media holds up professional athletes as role models. These are exceptional people and the vast majority of the population can’t perform anywhere near their level and thus feel inadequate. It is relatively easy to think of many other unrealistic expectations prompted by our hyper-success oriented culture.

 

What can we do to overcome self-dislike. Unfortunately, the self-dislike is usually deeply ingrained and becomes resistant to persuasion or evidence. No matter how successful the person becomes or how much praise is received the person cannot truly believe that he or she has value or worth. They believe themselves to be imposters.

 

Self-dislike is an indicator that the individual is unsatisfied with the way things are. There is a strong desire for them to be different and the individual believes that if one or more aspects of themselves changed, then things would be much better. This is in fact rarely true. An overweight person who loses a significant amount of weight doesn’t usually become happier instead it frequently produces depression. A far better approach is for people to learn to accept things, including themselves, just as they are.

 

Meditation is uniquely suited to promote accepting things as they are. So, it would seem appropriate for dealing with self-dislike. Meditation focuses on awareness of the present moment. As we’ve seen, self-dislike is often rooted in the past. By learning to focus on now, the past recedes in importance. When individuals learn to look closely at what is actually going on in the present moment they can begin to see that there is nothing wrong at all. In fact, there is tremendous good present. So, meditation can move the individual away from the past where the self-dislike originated and can then move forward in the present moment to develop self-acceptance.

 

Another method to address self-dislike is to employ what psychologists call counterconditioning where one behavior or belief is eliminated by replacing it with its opposite. Self-dislike can be eliminated by replacing it with self-love.  Loving Kindness Meditation (LKM) is designed to do just that. We practice loving ourselves and wishing ourselves well. It seems overly simple, but experience and research has shown that it can have remarkable impact.

 

Self-dislike is deeply ingrained. It will not be changed overnight. It will take practice and patience to weaken and eventually overcome it. But, contemplative practice can help.

 

So, engage in contemplative practice and learn to love thyself.

 

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.” ~Buddha

 

CMCS – Center for Mindfulness and Contemplative Studies

Differentiate Self and Emotions with Mindfulness

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“If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.” – Daniel Goleman
As we grow and develop throughout our lifetime we need to develop a sense of self that is independent and separate from other people. This is particularly evident in social contexts where individuals and the group pressure the individual to conform or model other people. Self-differentiation involves a process of developing a strong and independent self that can immerse in a group or identify with others if that’s appropriate but which can stake out an independent path, take different stands, and develop a unique individuality.

 

An aspect of this differentiation is developing independence in emotional expression, allowing emotions to be felt and expressed that are representative of the true feelings of the individual regardless of the social context. These are emotional expressions that are completely aligned with the differentiated individual and are expressions of the true self. Alexithymia is the term used in psychology to describe individuals who suffer great difficulty in emotional expression. This can result in isolation as the individual may avoid close interpersonal relationships.

 

These processes of self-differentiation are not limited to childhood or adolescence but go on throughout the lifetime. For healthy development the individual must differentiate both in terms of personality but also emotionally. Mindfulness promotes the comprehension of the interdependence of all things, how each individual is connected to everyone else and to other organisms and the environment. But, this does not mean that individuality cannot be developed. Rather the development of full individuality requires understanding the interdependence and interconnections among people and things. This suggests that mindfulness would promote the development of self and emotional differentiation.

 

In today’s Research News article “Examining Mindfulness and Its Relation to Self-Differentiation and Alexithymia”

https://www.facebook.com/ContemplativeStudiesCenter/photos/a.628903887133541.1073741828.627681673922429/1112313908792534/?type=3&theater

Teixeira and Pereira investigated the relationship between mindfulness and self-differentiation and alexithymia in undergraduate college students. They found that high mindfulness was associated with high levels of awareness and acceptance of the present moment. In addition they found that high mindfulness was associated with high self-differentiation, including differentiation of self and others, and low levels of alexithymia including difficulty in identifying and describing feelings.

 

Hence, Teixeira and Pereira’s study indicates that mindfulness is associated with the development of individuality of self and emotional expression. It is well established that mindfulness promotes emotion regulation (see http://contemplative-studies.org/wp/index.php/2015/09/10/take-command-and-control-of-your-emotions/ and http://contemplative-studies.org/wp/index.php/2015/07/17/rethink-your-emotions/) which improves the individual’s ability to feel emotions yet keep their intensity at manageable levels and respond appropriately to them. But, these results indicate that in addition to improved emotion regulation mindfulness improves the ability to express them regardless of social demands, to be free to express what is being felt and be close to other people.

 

Mindfulness then appears to be associated with the full development of an individual self that is unique and distinct from others. It is interesting and important that mindfulness is positively associated with this very high level of individual human development. It further suggests that mindfulness is useful in developing independence throughout the lifetime both in terms of the self and in the expression of emotions.

 

So, be mindful and differentiate self and emotions.

 

“Mindfulness is about being fully awake in our lives. It is about perceiving the exquisite vividness of each moment. We also gain immediate access to our own powerful inner resources for insight, transformation, and healing.” –  Jon Kabat-Zinn

 

CMCS – Center for Mindfulness and Contemplative Studies

 

Love thyself

psyjdc Leave a comment

“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.” ~Malcolm S. Forbes

 

There is a widespread problem in the west that many people don’t seem to like themselves.  The term used to describe this in psychology is self-loathing, although this term is far too strong and is not an appropriate descriptor for the majority of people. In general, the dislike of self has a much smaller magnitude than the word loathing implies. As a result I prefer self-dislike.

 

The self-dislike sometimes means that the individual dislikes every aspect of themselves; but most frequently people only don’t like certain aspects of themselves. Often it is there physical appearance, their school achievement, their career, their social behavior, etc. Making matters worse, they tend to overlook their strengths and discount them, focusing instead in the parts that they find problematic.

 

The discounting and overlooking of strengths shows up in what psychologists call the Imposter Syndrome. Here very successful people do not appear to be able to assimilate their success and instead attribute it to luck. The esteem with which they’re held makes them feel like imposters. It is estimated that two out of five successful people consider themselves frauds that 70 percent of all people feel like impostors at one time or another.

 

When this issue of self-dislike was raised to the Dalai Lama he was totally perplexed and repeatedly asked for clarifications. Not liking oneself is unheard of in his culture. So, he was dumbfounded and without comment. Hence, the problem seems to be primarily one of western culture. This suggests that self-dislike is learned within a particular cultural context with western culture and its values particularly adept at producing it.

 

There are sometimes circumstances that underlie self-dislike. Abuse or bullying, belittling parents, learning disabilities, physical appearance or disabilities are apt to result in self-dislike. But, most frequently it originates from western culture’s tendency to promote unrealistic expectations.

 

Physical appearance is a good case in point where the media holds up extraordinarily attractive individuals as what we should strive to be. Very, very few people can ever measure up and so can end up disliking their appearance. Academic achievement is another case where for many anything less than an “A” is seen as failure. Once again few can measure up and most end up disliking their intellectual ability. Sports are another case where the media holds up professional athletes as role models. These are exceptional people and the vast majority of the population can’t perform anywhere near their level and thus feel inadequate. It is relatively easy to think of many other unrealistic expectations prompted by our hyper-success oriented culture.

 

What can we do to overcome self-dislike. Unfortunately, the self-dislike is usually deeply ingrained and becomes resistant to persuasion or evidence. No matter how successful the person becomes or how much praise is received the person cannot truly believe that he or she has value or worth. They believe themselves to be imposters.

 

Self-dislike is an indicator that the individual is unsatisfied with the way things are. There is a strong desire for them to be different and the individual believes that if one or more aspects of themselves changed, then things would be much better. This is in fact rarely true. An overweight person who loses a significant amount of weight doesn’t usually become happier instead it frequently produces depression. A far better approach is for people to learn to accept things, including themselves, just as they are.

 

Meditation is uniquely suited to promote accepting things as they are. So, it would seem appropriate for dealing with self-dislike. Meditation focuses on awareness of the present moment. As we’ve seen, self-dislike is often rooted in the past. By learning to focus on now, the past recedes in importance. When individuals learn to look closely at what is actually going on in the present moment they can begin to see that there is nothing wrong at all. In fact, there is tremendous good present. So, meditation can move the individual away from the past where the self-dislike originated and can then move forward in the present moment to develop self-acceptance.

 

Another method to address self-dislike is to employ what psychologists call counterconditioning where one behavior or belief is eliminated by replacing it with its opposite. Self-dislike can be eliminated by replacing it with self-love.  Loving Kindness Meditation (LKM) is designed to do just that. We practice loving ourselves and wishing ourselves well. It seems overly simple, but experience and research has shown that it can have remarkable impact.

 

Self-dislike is deeply ingrained. It will not be changed overnight. It will take practice and patience to weaken and eventually overcome it. But, contemplative practice can help.

 

So, engage in contemplative practice and learn to love thyself.

 

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.” ~Buddha

 

CMCS – Center for Mindfulness and Contemplative Studies

Why Don’t We Like Ourselves – Mindfulness as an Antidote

psyjdc 1 Comment

One of the more remarkable aspects of Western culture is that in general people do not like themselves. When asked about this, the Dalai Lama was totally dumbfounded. He couldn’t understand how that could be. In his Tibetan culture such a problem is unheard of.

So why do westerners suffer from such low self-esteem.  One explanation appears to be the competitive nature of our culture. We are taught to strive to be the best; that is to compete to be better than everyone else. This starts early with parents urging infants to attain developmental milestones earlier and earlier. The famed Swiss Developmental Psychologist, Jean Piaget, when asked how we could increase the speed with which children attain different levels of cognitive development, responded that he called this the American question. Nowhere else in the world was he asked that question, yet it was asked frequently in America.

This stress on competing continues throughout childhood with tests and grades in school, with athletic competitions, and even with social approval, desiring to be the most liked. The American obsession with winning is obvious in sports at all levels. Where in other cultures the notion of a tie is perfectly acceptable, in America a tie is seen as shameful. There must be a winner. So, we devise schemes to break all ties and determine a winner, to determine who’s best.

So we are constantly comparing ourselves to others and since there can only one best, virtually everyone falls short. So, we constantly criticize ourselves for not being the smartest, the swiftest, the strongest, the most liked, the most handsome or beautiful. If there wasn’t something wrong with us, then we would be the best. As a result we become focused and obsessed with our flaws.

Today’s Research News article “Mindfulness and Self-esteem: A Systematic Review”

suggests that mindfulness may be helpful in counteracting this American disease of low self-esteem. How can simple mindfulness practices do this?

Mindfulness practice changes our focus to the present moment, making us more aware and accepting of what is. In the present moment, everyone is equal. Comparisons involve memories of our’ vs. others’ accomplishments. If our minds are focused in the present moment these comparisons can’t occur. Mindfulness promotes experiencing and accepting ourselves as we are, which is a direct antidote to seeing ourselves in comparison to others and as we wish to be. Finally mindfulness allows us to view the negative emotions generated by low self-esteem and understand their origin and disconcordance with reality.

So, practice mindfulness and feel good about yourself and your life.

CMCS