By John M. de Castro, Ph.D.
“We are vulnerable creatures, we humans. In the act of exposing our heart and hopes, we also expose our fears and fragility. But we need not be slaves to the past, or to the external love object, be it bear or spouse. We can deliberately develop a more secure sense of attachment, training our mind to become a place of security, safety, and warm fuzzy reassurance simply by paying attention to now, not then.” – Cheryl Fraser
The great sage Thich Nhat Hahn stated that “If you love someone, the greatest gift you can give them is your presence.” This is a beautiful thought that applies to all loving relationships and suggests that we should be in the present moment and completely attentive to our loved ones when we are with them. When any two people interact paying real-time attention to the other is rare. Most of the time, the individual’s mind is elsewhere, perhaps thinking of the next thing to be said, perhaps thinking about what the individual wants from the other, or perhaps reviewing a past interaction. We are all so into ourselves that we fail to truly pay complete attention to the other, even a loved one. But, if we do, it has a major impact.
Being present for another implies that we are being mindful, paying attention non-judgmentally, to what is transpiring in the present moment. To our partner this conveys a caring and respect that is a true reflection of love. Our partner will generally respond very positively to this mindful attention, amplifying the moment and building the emotional connection that is the glue of a romantic relationship. Indeed, mindful individuals are rated as more attractive and mindfulness training appears to help with sexual difficulties. So, mindfulness should be related to relationship quality, both for the individual and the romantic partner.
In today’s Research News article “Mindful Mates: A Pilot Study of the Relational Effects of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction on Participants and Their Partners.” See:
or below.
Khaddouma and colleagues examined the relationship between mindfulness and romantic relationships and the effect of increasing mindfulness in one individual on both partners. They recruited adult heterosexual couples who were in a committed relationship (80% married), ranging in age from 18 to 64. One member of each pair received training for 8-weeks in Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program while the other did not. MBSR involves training in meditation, body scan and yoga. Couples were measured for mindfulness and relationship satisfaction, both before and after MBSR training.
They found that MBSR training significantly increased mindfulness and relationship satisfaction in the MBSR enrolled participants but not their non-enrolled partners. All facets of mindfulness increased including, observing, describing, acting with awareness, non-judging, and non-reacting. They also found that the greater the increase in the acting with awareness mindfulness facet of the enrolled participant the greater the increase in relationship satisfaction for both members of the couple. In addition, the greater the increase in the non-reacting mindfulness facet of the enrolled participant the greater the increase in relationship satisfaction of their non-enrolled partner.
These results are very promising and suggest that Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) training improves mindfulness and relationship satisfaction in the participant. Significantly, the MBSR training and its effects on the participant appeared to spill over and effect their romantic partner’s satisfaction with the relationship, particularly as a result of increases in acting with awareness and non-reactivity. Acting with awareness appears to be the most highly related to improvements in relationship satisfaction for both members of the dyad, while non-reactivity also affects the non-enrolled partner.
This suggests that “increases in abilities to attend to activities of the moment with purposeful attention (rather than behaving reflexively or automatically) over the course of MBSR are positively associated with increases in both partners’ relationship satisfaction.” In addition, the enrolled participant’s “ability to avoid getting caught up and carried away by thoughts and feelings” appears to make the relationship better for the partner. So, MBSR training changes the mindfulness of the participants, changing how they act and react in the relationship and this improves the relationship for both members. Being mindful makes romantic relationships better.
So, improve romantic relationships with mindfulness.
CMCS – Center for Mindfulness and Contemplative Studies
“If, in the midst of a fight with your partner, you can label your angry thoughts and hurt feelings as “just my rejection script,” or if you can notice your blood pressure rising and your face getting redder, then you have a greater degree of choice about how to behave. Rather than feeling compelled to scream and attack or vigorously defend your position, you can instead choose to take a break, connect with your love for your partner, or try to understand his/her point of view. As a result, you should have reduced stress and more loving, connected relationships.” – Melanie Greenberg
This and other Contemplative Studies posts are also available on Google+ https://plus.google.com/106784388191201299496/posts
Study Summary
Khaddouma, A., Coop Gordon, K. and Strand, E. B. (2016), Mindful Mates: A Pilot Study of the Relational Effects of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction on Participants and Their Partners. Family Process. doi: 10.1111/famp.12226
Abstract
Very little is currently known about how increases in dispositional mindfulness through mindfulness training affect the quality of participants’ romantic relationships, and no previous studies have examined how increases in specific facets of mindfulness differentially contribute to relationship health. Additionally, even less is known about how an individual’s development of mindfulness skills affects the relationship satisfaction of his or her romantic partner. Thus, the purpose of this pilot study was to examine associations between changes in facets of mindfulness and relationship satisfaction among participants enrolled in a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course and their nonenrolled romantic partners. Twenty MBSR participants and their nonenrolled partners (n = 40) completed measures of mindfulness and relationship satisfaction pre- and post-enrolled partners’ completion of an MBSR course. Results indicated that enrolled participants significantly improved on all facets of mindfulness and relationship satisfaction, while nonenrolled partners did not significantly increase on any facet of mindfulness or relationship satisfaction. Moreover, enrolled participants’ increases in Acting with Awareness were positively associated with increases in their own and their nonenrolled partners’ relationship satisfaction, whereas increases in enrolled participants’ Nonreactivity were positively associated with increases in their nonenrolled partners’ (but not their own) relationship satisfaction. These results suggest that increasing levels of mindfulness (particularly specific aspects of mindfulness) may have positive effects on couples’ relationship satisfaction and highlight mindfulness training as a promising tool for education and intervention efforts aimed at promoting relational health.