Relationships

The Noble Eightfold Path with Relationships

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By John M. de Castro, Ph.D.

 

“When we have closer intimate relationships, maybe a marital relationship or lover relationship where sexuality is involved, then we assume we want more from each other. And, there’s the rub. This is where the Buddhist idea of true love helps. True love is where you want the happiness of the beloved; it’s not that you want something from the beloved. You just want to give to the beloved. Shantideva said, “All the joy the world contains has come through wishing happiness for others. All the misery the world contains has come through wanting happiness for oneself.” – Robert Thurman

 

Probably the best place to practice the Eightfold Path is not on the meditation mat or in a cloistered environment but in the midst of the chaos of everyday life. There are wonderful opportunities to practice presented to us all the time embedded in the complexities of the modern world. In fact, the whole idea of practicing on the mat is to learn things that will apply to our everyday existence. What better place is there, then, than the real environment to practice them.

 

In previous essays, we discussed driving an automobile and the work environment as excellent venues for practice. In today’s essay we’ll discuss practicing in the midst of our relationships with significant others. This is an excellent context in which to practice the Buddha’s Eightfold Path. It is filled with emotions, desires, sex, conflicts, suffering, compassion, and memories. In other words, our relationships have all the ingredients to practice and to put to the test all the principles of mindfulness and the Eightfold Path for the cessation of suffering; Right View, Right Intentions, Right Speech, Right Actions, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, and Right Concentration.

 

There are many wonderful opportunities in relationships to practice the Right View idea of impermanence. Indeed, our relationships are constantly changing. One day is full of love, understanding and kindness and the next filled with conflict, resentment, and anger. No matter how bad or good the relationships are or the daily interactions between partners, they are sure to change. Sexual relations are a wonderful example of impermanence, with desires and feeling changing dramatically from moment to moment, but none of it can be held onto for more than a moment. They come and they go. They’re impermanent. This exemplifies the Right View idea of transitoriness. We all grow and develop and change throughout our lifetime and these changes can be challenging for relationships. There’s an old story about relationships that upon marriage, the woman believes that the man will change, but he doesn’t, while the man believes that the woman will never change, but she does! Adapting and coping with these changes requires that we understand impermanence, the Right View.

 

We can also practice the Right View idea of interconnectedness. Relationships are cooperative ventures. How interconnected the couple is, is on display. Relationships require consideration of the needs and aspirations of both partners by both partners. Acting alone would is a sure formula for chaos and conflict in a relationship. You affect your partner and your partner affects you, which affects your partner, which, in turn, affects you and so on. If there are children involved this interconnectedness becomes magnified. Keep in mind “If you want to be happy effectively, then think about other people’s happiness and you will be. Think about your own happiness only, and you will always be dissatisfied because you will never have enough.”  – Robert Thurman. Understanding and adapting to the dynamic interplay between partners requires that we recognize, adapt to, and work with this interconnectedness, the Right View.

 

In relationships we can also view and practice the Right View idea of no permanent self. This thing called self that you think of a permanent and static actually changes moment to moment in reaction to what transpires in relationships. How you view yourself and your beliefs about the supposed self can change in a flash depending upon what your partner says and does. You may think of yourself as a kind and loving person, but your partner treats you like a selfish and cruel person. This can change this idea of the self. A little mindful reflection regarding this reveals that this thing that we call the self was never permanent in the first place but changing and evolving, coming and going, just like everything else. The highly emotionally charged cauldron of relationships amplifies this and makes it clearer and clearer. This is a tremendous learning experience. Coming to grips with this requires that we develop the Right View of no permanent self.

 

It is hard to find a better context than relationships to develop the Right View idea of suffering and unsatisfactoriness, and their roots. In relationships we want everything to be exactly as we want it to be, and when it isn’t we suffer. We want our partners to understand us, we want sex to fulfill our fantasies, we want to always be agreed with, we want more excitement and less dull chores, we want our partners to acquiesce to all our decisions, we want to have space, we don’t want to deal with our in-laws, we want our partners to unconditionally love us, etc. When these things don’t happen, we suffer. In other words, you can learn, if you are observant of what is happening in relationships, that your suffering is caused by your lack of acceptance of how things really are in your relationship. So, relationships constitute wonderful laboratories to practice Right View. You can learn to accept things as they are, to see things without judgment, to view the relationship, your partner, and children just as they are, as individual human being with their own desires and needs. When you view them this way, the love grows, and the incredible wonder of life and loving begins to reveal itself. You can learn to understand that the way you act with them has consequences, affecting yourself and the rest of the family, in other words, you practice and develop Right View.

 

You can readily practice Right Intentions in relationships and this can lead to Right Actions. Intentions are a key. They become your moral compass. These intentions include the happiness of our partner. “True love is where you want the happiness of the beloved; it’s not that you want something from the beloved.”  – Robert Thurman. They tend to lead you in the right direction even though you may at times stumble.  But, it is often difficult or impossible to predict all of the consequences of your actions. Sometimes, even with the Right Intentions you can cause your partner to suffer. For example, you may want to provide a high standard of living for your partner and family and work long hours to do so. But, this may cause your partner to be lonely and unhappy or your children to feel neglected. You need to try to not only to have Right Intentions, but to discern how even the best of intentions can sometime produce harmful outcomes. The truly Right Intentions do not produce harm, only good. You have to sometimes balance the good you’re doing with the harm produced by the same actions. This requires Right View. This is where relationships can be such a great practice as you can learn what works and what doesn’t and become better at discerning what are the wholesome Right Actions from those that produce more harm than good.

 

Right Intentions also includes the abandonment of unwholesome desires. If you relate to your partner with anger, impatience, selfishness, resentment you are likely to harm them and yourself. The harm may not be major or direct, but indirect by affecting partner and children in negative ways. Perhaps your anger at your partner overdrawing a checking account causes you to lash out at your children. Perhaps, your selfishness causes you to neglect you partners requests or needs eliciting frustration or anger in your partner, or simply cause them to suffer. But sometimes you can produce direct harm to your partner. This can occur when anger and alcohol result in physical or psychological abuse or when your sexual desires cause you to force yourself on an unwilling partner.

 

On the other hand, if you practice Right Intentions with sincere intentions to create good and happiness, relieve suffering, you will treat your partner with tolerance and understanding, with kindness and good will. When our partners are treated with respect, compassion, and helpfulness or when a partner’s anger or frustration are reacted to with patience, kindness, and tolerance, harm and suffering have likely been prevented. A considerate sexual relationship, where the intentions are to love and satisfy your partner, the relationship will become more satisfying for both of you, particularly if your partner has the same Right Intentions. The happiness and love produced carries into everything that you do affecting how you treat you children, your friends, your coworkers, and everyone that you meet. It is good to reflect on the ripples of good that may have been created by the Right Actions producing positive consequences, which produce more positive consequences, producing more positive consequences, etc. well into the future. So, if you form Right Intentions and aspire to create good and happiness you’ll be a better partner and will produce more harmony and good will in in all of your interactions and more importantly will be moving yourself along the eightfold path.

 

There are many opportunities to practice Right Speech in relationships. This can include non-verbal communications such as facial expressions, body postures, etc., perhaps even holding hands or loving glances. But, predominantly Right Speech is verbal. You may have a bad habit of often reacting to a mistake with reflexive emotional expletives. This can occur in response to something as simple as dropping a glass of wine. This can also include gestures. These can occur reflexively or even without awareness but do no good and create harm in yourself and sometimes aggravate your partner. Keep in mind the advice “Have a fast ear and a slow tongue.” ~Mark Ward. Right Speech also involves refraining from gossip. Couples often gossip or repeat rumors about family and friends. This can hurt others in unpredictable and sometimes unknown ways. In addition, Right Speech is truthful speech. In communicating with your partner only speak things that you know are absolutely true. Even “little white lies” have a cumulative effect eroding trust and understanding, while always speaking the truth promotes trust, understanding, and harmony. Right Speech takes practice. We have years of training and daily multiple examples of wrong speech. So, be patient and practice. Slowly the effects and benefits will become apparent.

 

The notion of Right Livelihood mandates that the couple’s occupations not only earns a living but also creates greater happiness, wisdom, and well-being, and relieves suffering. Conversely, they should not produce harm. Some occupations can be clearly seen as creating harm such as manufacturing, selling, or delivering weapons, cigarettes, or harmful drugs, human trafficking, or driving animals to slaughter. Some occupations clearly seem to create greater good and happiness, such as teacher, aid worker, nurse, etc. But, most occupations are a little more difficult to tell. Sometimes harm is produced indirectly, such as by damaging the environment, or resulting in layoffs from a competitor, or by producing goods or services that can be misused or used by others to create harm. Although rarely having direct effects upon relationships, engaging in Right Livelihood can do so indirectly. Feeling good about what you do for work can spill over bringing those good feelings home. Also, developing the discernment required to understand the impact of your occupations is a useful skill for understanding the impact of your actions upon your partner.

 

Relationships also present a great context to practice Right Effort. It takes substantial effort to interact mindfully. If you act automatically as most people do most of the time, there is little or no mindfulness and little or no effort.  When you first get up in the morning you have to set the intention to engage in your daily activities in such a way as to lessen suffering in yourself and your partner, to act with kindness, compassion, patience, and courtesy, to drop fear, anger, hatred, selfishness, and to bring to our interactions with our partner the intention to promote well-being and happiness. Right Effort is working the “Middle Way.” That is not trying too hard and getting stressed about interacting and loving properly, and also not being lackadaisical, but rather to try, but relax. Don’t beat yourself up when you’re not relating to your partner mindfully, but congratulate yourself when you do. The “Middle Way” is where effort should be targeted.

 

Acting mindlessly is probably the norm. Most people perform their routine daily activities while their minds are elsewhere, ruminating about the past, planning for the future, or off in fantasy and daydreams. This provides you with a terrific opportunity to practice Right Mindfulness. Jon Kabat-Zinn defined mindfulness as “paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally, to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.” What better opportunity to practice this than while your interacting with your partner? Right Mindfulness precludes focusing on social media or engaging in other distractions when with your partner. Right Mindfulness makes you acutely aware of what is happening and how you’re feeling during every moment together. Awareness of how you’re feeling and what’s producing those feelings, and how you’re reacting to them makes you better able to interact effectively without emotional outbursts that are non-productive and can hurt your partner. Right Mindfulness is not just part of the eightfold path it is a prerequisite for the practice of the seven other components of the path. So, relating mindfully is a fundamental practice and relationships are great situations for practice.

 

Right Concentration is the practice of focusing the mind solely on one object or a specific unchanging set of objects. This is developed during contemplative practice such as meditation. It is essential to effectively interacting with you partner. Our world is replete with distractions and interruptions. But, to truly be attentive and listening mindfully to our partner we must concentrate. Right Concentration in relationships includes making the effort to be there for your partner and deeply listen to them. There are very few more important things that you can do in relationships than to simply give your partner your full presence, your full attention, your full mindfulness. Improvement in attentional ability is a consequence of practicing Right Concentration. The ability to concentrate and screen out intrusive sounds, sights, speech and thoughts allow you to focus on your partner, producing a higher quality relationship. In addition, it is thought that Right Concentration requires Right Effort, Right Intentions, and Right Mindfulness and these can also be practiced and developed. So, interacting with our beloved is a wonderful situation for the practice of Right Concentration, benefiting each partner.

 

Negotiating the eightfold path in relationships is not easy. But, remember that it is a practice. Over time you’ll better and better at it, but nowhere near perfect. Frequently the discursive mind takes over or your emotions will get the better of you. But, by continuing the practice you’ll slowly progress. you’ll become a better partner and have a more relaxed, loving, and happier relationship. Keep in mind the teaching that actions that lead to greater harmony and happiness should be practiced, while those that lead to unsatisfactoriness and unhappiness should be let go. One of the keys in the practice is mindfully observing your partner and yourself. This allows you to discern the improvements even when they’re small and subtle.  Over time, these small improvements add up.  Without doubt, practicing the eightfold path lead to a terrific, happy, satisfying, loving relationship.

 

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ~Lao Tzu

 

CMCS – Center for Mindfulness and Contemplative Studies

 

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Improve Romantic Relationships with Mindfulness

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By John M. de Castro, Ph.D.

 

“We are vulnerable creatures, we humans. In the act of exposing our heart and hopes, we also expose our fears and fragility. But we need not be slaves to the past, or to the external love object, be it bear or spouse. We can deliberately develop a more secure sense of attachment, training our mind to become a place of security, safety, and warm fuzzy reassurance simply by paying attention to now, not then.” – Cheryl Fraser

 

The great sage Thich Nhat Hahn stated that “If you love someone, the greatest gift you can give them is your presence.” This is a beautiful thought that applies to all loving relationships and suggests that we should be in the present moment and completely attentive to our loved ones when we are with them. When any two people interact paying real-time attention to the other is rare. Most of the time, the individual’s mind is elsewhere, perhaps thinking of the next thing to be said, perhaps thinking about what the individual wants from the other, or perhaps reviewing a past interaction. We are all so into ourselves that we fail to truly pay complete attention to the other, even a loved one. But, if we do, it has a major impact.

 

Being present for another implies that we are being mindful, paying attention non-judgmentally, to what is transpiring in the present moment. To our partner this conveys a caring and respect that is a true reflection of love. Our partner will generally respond very positively to this mindful attention, amplifying the moment and building the emotional connection that is the glue of a romantic relationship. Indeed, mindful individuals are rated as more attractive and mindfulness training appears to help with sexual difficulties. So, mindfulness should be related to relationship quality, both for the individual and the romantic partner.

 

In today’s Research News article “Mindful Mates: A Pilot Study of the Relational Effects of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction on Participants and Their Partners.” See:

https://www.facebook.com/ContemplativeStudiesCenter/photos/a.628903887133541.1073741828.627681673922429/1263164117040845/?type=3&theater

or below.

Khaddouma and colleagues examined the relationship between mindfulness and romantic relationships and the effect of increasing mindfulness in one individual on both partners. They recruited adult heterosexual couples who were in a committed relationship (80% married), ranging in age from 18 to 64. One member of each pair received training for 8-weeks in Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program while the other did not. MBSR involves training in meditation, body scan and yoga.  Couples were measured for mindfulness and relationship satisfaction, both before and after MBSR training.

 

They found that MBSR training significantly increased mindfulness and relationship satisfaction in the MBSR enrolled participants but not their non-enrolled partners. All facets of mindfulness increased including, observing, describing, acting with awareness, non-judging, and non-reacting. They also found that the greater the increase in the acting with awareness mindfulness facet of the enrolled participant the greater the increase in relationship satisfaction for both members of the couple. In addition, the greater the increase in the non-reacting mindfulness facet of the enrolled participant the greater the increase in relationship satisfaction of their non-enrolled partner.

 

These results are very promising and suggest that Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) training improves mindfulness and relationship satisfaction in the participant. Significantly, the MBSR training and its effects on the participant appeared to spill over and effect their romantic partner’s satisfaction with the relationship, particularly as a result of increases in acting with awareness and non-reactivity. Acting with awareness appears to be the most highly related to improvements in relationship satisfaction for both members of the dyad, while non-reactivity also affects the non-enrolled partner.

 

This suggests that “increases in abilities to attend to activities of the moment with purposeful attention (rather than behaving reflexively or automatically) over the course of MBSR are positively associated with increases in both partners’ relationship satisfaction.” In addition, the enrolled participant’s “ability to avoid getting caught up and carried away by thoughts and feelings” appears to make the relationship better for the partner. So, MBSR training changes the mindfulness of the participants, changing how they act and react in the relationship and this improves the relationship for both members. Being mindful makes romantic relationships better.

 

So, improve romantic relationships with mindfulness.

 

CMCS – Center for Mindfulness and Contemplative Studies

 

“If, in the midst of a fight with your partner, you can label your angry thoughts and hurt feelings as “just my rejection script,” or if you can notice your blood pressure rising and your face getting redder, then you have a greater degree of choice about how to behave. Rather than feeling compelled to scream and attack or vigorously defend your position, you can instead choose to take a break, connect with your love for your partner, or try to understand his/her point of view.  As a result, you should have reduced stress and more loving, connected relationships.” – Melanie Greenberg

 

This and other Contemplative Studies posts are also available on Google+ https://plus.google.com/106784388191201299496/posts

 

Study Summary

Khaddouma, A., Coop Gordon, K. and Strand, E. B. (2016), Mindful Mates: A Pilot Study of the Relational Effects of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction on Participants and Their Partners. Family Process. doi: 10.1111/famp.12226

 

Abstract

Very little is currently known about how increases in dispositional mindfulness through mindfulness training affect the quality of participants’ romantic relationships, and no previous studies have examined how increases in specific facets of mindfulness differentially contribute to relationship health. Additionally, even less is known about how an individual’s development of mindfulness skills affects the relationship satisfaction of his or her romantic partner. Thus, the purpose of this pilot study was to examine associations between changes in facets of mindfulness and relationship satisfaction among participants enrolled in a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course and their nonenrolled romantic partners. Twenty MBSR participants and their nonenrolled partners (n = 40) completed measures of mindfulness and relationship satisfaction pre- and post-enrolled partners’ completion of an MBSR course. Results indicated that enrolled participants significantly improved on all facets of mindfulness and relationship satisfaction, while nonenrolled partners did not significantly increase on any facet of mindfulness or relationship satisfaction. Moreover, enrolled participants’ increases in Acting with Awareness were positively associated with increases in their own and their nonenrolled partners’ relationship satisfaction, whereas increases in enrolled participants’ Nonreactivity were positively associated with increases in their nonenrolled partners’ (but not their own) relationship satisfaction. These results suggest that increasing levels of mindfulness (particularly specific aspects of mindfulness) may have positive effects on couples’ relationship satisfaction and highlight mindfulness training as a promising tool for education and intervention efforts aimed at promoting relational health.

 

Improve Marital Satisfaction with Mindfulness

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By John M. de Castro, Ph.D.

 

“We are vulnerable creatures, we humans. In the act of exposing our heart and hopes, we also expose our fears and fragility. But we need not be slaves to the past, or to the external love object, be it bear or spouse. We can deliberately develop a more secure sense of attachment, training our mind to become a place of security, safety, and warm fuzzy reassurance simply by paying attention to now, not then.” – Cheryl Fraser

 

Infertility, the inability to become pregnant, is primarily a medical condition and due to physiological problems, most frequently, hormonal inadequacy. The diagnosis of infertility involves documenting a failure to become pregnant despite having carefully timed, unprotected sex for at least one year. Sadly, infertility is quite common. It is estimated that in the U.S. 6.7 million women, about 10% of the population of women 15-44, have an impaired ability to get pregnant or carry a baby to term and about 6% are infertile.

 

Infertility can be more than just a medical issue. It can be an emotional crisis for many couples, especially for the women. Couples attending a fertility clinic reported that infertility was the most upsetting experience of their lives. Women with infertility reported feeling as anxious or depressed as those diagnosed with cancer, hypertension, or recovering from a heart attack. Men’s reactions are more complicated. If the reason for the infertility is due to an issue with the woman, then men aren’t as distressed as the women. But if they are the ones who are infertile, they experience the same levels of low self-esteem, stigma, and depression as infertile women do. In addition, infertility can markedly impact the couple’s relationship, straining their emotional connection and interactions and the prescribed treatments can take the spontaneity and joy from lovemaking making it strained and mechanical.

 

The stress of infertility and engaging in infertility treatments may exacerbate the problem. These issues conspire to stress the marital relationship and interfere with the emotional health of the individuals. In today’s Research News article “The Effectiveness of Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Group Therapy on Marital Satisfaction and General Health in Woman with Infertility.” See:

https://www.facebook.com/ContemplativeStudiesCenter/photos/a.628903887133541.1073741828.627681673922429/1253726174651306/?type=3&theater

or below or view the full text of the study at:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4803966/

Shargh and colleagues randomly assigned women diagnosed with infertility to a group receiving Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) or a control group. They measured the marital satisfaction and emotional health of the women prior to and after an 8-week MBCT program presented in a group format or care as usual. They found that the MBCT program produced a significant increase in marital satisfaction, including communications, conflict resolution and ideal deviation, and a significant increase in emotional health including lower bodily complaints, anxiety, depression and social malfunction.

 

These results are potentially important as infertility places intense stress on marital relationships. The results seem reasonable, though, given the documented effectiveness of mindfulness training to relieve stress, anxiety, and depression, and improve social function and romantic relationships. It is important, however, to demonstrate that mindfulness training is similarly effective with women with infertility issues. This can have other positive consequences as there are indications that the relief produced by mindfulness training may improve the likelihood of these women successfully conceiving. It is also encouraging that these results can be obtained when MBCT is delivered in a group format. This makes it more efficient and cost effective.

 

So, improve marital satisfaction in couples struggling with infertility with mindfulness.

 

CMCS – Center for Mindfulness and Contemplative Studies

 

“Each of us has a different set of sexual experiences and needs. When we feel disconnected from pleasure, simply bringing non-judgmental awareness to our bodies can help us clear away the baggage of cultural narratives. And in doing so, we can uncover our own unique sexual story and gain compassion for ourselves, wherever we are at in our sexual journey.” – Pam Costa

 

This and other Contemplative Studies posts are also available on Google+ https://plus.google.com/106784388191201299496/posts

 

Study Summary

 

Shargh, N. A., Bakhshani, N. M., Mohebbi, M. D., Mahmudian, K., Ahovan, M., Mokhtari, M., & Gangali, A. (2016). The Effectiveness of Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Group Therapy on Marital Satisfaction and General Health in Woman with Infertility. Global Journal of Health Science, 8(3), 230–235. http://doi.org/10.5539/gjhs.v8n3p230

 

Abstract

Infertility affects around 80 million people around the world and it has been estimated that psychological problems in infertile couples is within the range of 25-60%. The purpose of this study was to determine the effectiveness of Mindfulness-based cognitive group therapy on consciousness regarding marital satisfaction and general health in woman with infertility. Recent work is a clinical trial with a pre/posttest plan for control group. Covering 60 women who were selected by in access method and arranged randomly in interference (30) and control (30) groups. Before and after implementation of independent variable, all subjects were measured in both groups using Enrich questionnaire and marital satisfaction questionnaire. Results of covariance analysis of posttest, after controlling the scores of pretest illustrated the meaningful difference of marital satisfaction and mental health scores in interference and control groups after treatment and the fact that MBCT treatment in infertile women revealed that this method has an appropriate contribution to improvement of marital satisfaction and mental health. Necessary trainings for infertile people through consultation services can improve their mental health and marital satisfaction and significantly help reducing infertile couples’ problems.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4803966/

 

Mindful Motherhood

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Mindful Motherhood

 

By John M. de Castro, Ph.D.

 

“There could not be a better time to learn mindfulness than during pregnancy and early motherhood. For one thing, this is a time when most people have a strong motivation to become the best person they can be in a relatively short period of time. When you realize the full enormity of the responsibility you have taken on by becoming a mom, the primary source of care for another whole human being, not to mention one that you love more than you thought you could ever love, there is a really high level of motivation to try your best to get yourself into the best mental and emotional shape possible.” – Cassandra Vieten

 

Mothers’ Day was basically invented and promoted by the greeting card and florist industries. But, even though its origins were crass, the idea took off, because it hit upon a truth; that we all love our mothers. As a result, Mothers’ Day has become a culturally accepted and encouraged time for the celebration of motherhood and all that it means. The deep bonds and love that virtually everyone feels for their mothers and their mothers for them fuels the celebration of the holiday.

 

Motherhood is ubiquitous. Everyone has a mother, who in turn, has had a mother, who has had a mother, etc. Many are, or want to be mothers. It plays an immensely important role in our individual and societal existence. The bond that develops between mother and child is a beautiful, virtually unbreakable, thing, perhaps the strongest bond between individuals that exists. It is essential for ensuring the nurturance that is mandatory for the life of the virtually helpless infant and the development of the child. The effectiveness, or lack thereof, of mothering has a major impact on the offspring that continue throughout their lives. It is such an important role that it seems reasonable to explore what goes into successful mothering and child rearing and what might be of assistance in improving mothering. There has accumulated a tremendous amount of scientific evidence that mindfulness, (“awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally”) can be an important asset for mothers, from conception, to pregnancy, birth, nurturing the infant, and childrearing and the mindfulness of the child can be an important asset for its development. So, on this day celebrating motherhood, we’ll explore the role of mindfulness.

 

Mothering does not occur in a vacuum. It’s been said that “It takes a village” to rear a child. Indeed, motherhood is embedded in a community. There are many people who are either directly or indirectly involved, from the father, to the extended family, the community, the medical profession, teachers, clergy, social workers, childcare workers, and even the government. So relationships become an essential part of mothering from conception, to birth, and family and social life. Mindfulness has been found to be important to becoming a mother in the first place. Mindfulness makes the individual more attractive to the opposite sex, it improves sexual relationships, it helps to relieve infertility, and it improves relationships in general. All of which underscores the importance of mindfulness in improving the likelihood that conception will occur and that childbirth will be born into a supportive social context.

 

Mindfulness continues to be helpful during pregnancy. It can help to relieve the anxiety and depression that commonly accompany pregnancy and even appears to benefit the neurocognitive development of the infant. After birth mindfulness continues to be of assistance as it improves caregiving and parenting, even in the case where the child has developmental disabilities. Mindfulness not only helps the parents deal with the stresses of childrearing, but developing mindfulness in the child can be of great assistance to helping the kids develop emotionally and cognitively, develop high level thinking, develop healthy self-concepts, develop socially, deal with stress, and cope with trauma and childhood depression. It even improves the child’s psychosocial development and academic performance and grades in school. In addition, it seems to be able to assist children through the troubled times of adolescence.

 

It should be clear that mindfulness is an important component of motherhood. Why would this be so? There are a number of reasons that mindfulness helps. It reduces the psychological and physical effects of stress on the mother and let’s face it, pregnancy, birth, caring for infants and raising children can be quite stressful. Mindfulness also improves emotion regulation making the mother better able to be in touch with her emotions yet react to them adaptively and effectively. Mindfulness helps the mother maintain her health and well-being, and to recover quicker should she become ill. After all, mothers can’t take sick leave or take vacations.

 

The essential capacity developed in mindfulness training is paying much greater attention to what’s occurring in the present moment. This can be of immense help to the mother. It makes her better attuned to her child’s and to her own needs. It reduces rumination and recriminations about past mistakes. It tends to diminish the worry and anxiety about the future. It helps her to focus on what needs to be done now, making her much more effective. And it helps her to experience the joys of motherhood to their fullest. In general, by focusing on now, she is tuned into the only time that matters for herself or her child, improving her relationship with reality, dealing with its problems and relishing its wonders.

 

Hence, mindfulness can make mothering better, both for the mother, and the child. So, on this important day of celebration of mothers, let’s adopt mindfulness and make it a part of our relationship with our mothers and our children. We may all love our mothers but we love mindful mothers even more especially when we ourselves are mindful.

 

“For me, the program gave me the freedom to be the kind of mom I wanted to be, instead of just reacting automatically. I still have difficult moments, and can get stressed out, but the mindfulness helps me stay centered and stay connected to myself and my baby.” – Cassandra Vieten

 

 

CMCS – Center for Mindfulness and Contemplative Studies

 

Reduce Difficulties with Sex with Mindfulness

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By John M. de Castro, Ph.D.

 

Orgasm is the involvement of the total body: mind, body, soul, all together. You vibrate, your whole being vibrates, from the toes to the head. You are no longer in control; existence has taken possession of you and you don’t know who you are. It is like a madness…it is like meditation…” – Osho

 

Problems with sex are very common, but, with the exception of male erectile dysfunction, driven by the pharmaceutical industry, it is rarely discussed and there is little research. The Puritanical attitudes toward sex in the U.S., in particular, produce inhibitions toward overt explorations of the issues surrounding sex. But, these problems have a major impact on people’s lives and deserve far more attention. While research suggests that sexual dysfunction is common, it is a topic that many people are hesitant or embarrassed to discuss. Women suffer from sexual dysfunction more than men with 43% of women and 31% of men reporting some degree of difficulty. It is amazing that such an important human behavior is can be problematic for so many people without an outcry for more study and research.

 

Problems with sex with women are labelled Female Sexual Dysfunction. It can involve reduced sex drive, difficulty becoming aroused, vaginal dryness, lack of orgasm and decreased sexual satisfaction. Sexual function in women involves many different systems in the body, including physical, psychological and hormonal factors. So, it is important for physicians to explore women’s sexual issues. But, physicians who deal with women, whether family practitioners or Ob-Gyns, often hesitate to bring up sexual issues with patients. But, talking about sexual matters benefits not only the patient but also the physician. In one study, taking a sexual history yielded information of medical importance in 26% of cases, and affected treatment and follow-up plans in 16%.

 

Although, female sexual dysfunction is often caused by physical/medical problems, it is also frequently due to psychological issues. This implies that it many cases may be treated with activities that are effective in working with psychological problems. Mindfulness trainings have been shown to improve a variety of psychological issues including emotion regulation, stress responses, trauma, fear and worry, anxiety, and depression, and self-esteem. So, perhaps mindfulness training could help resolve psychological issues that might be affecting sexual behavior. Hence, it would make sense to investigate the effectiveness of mindfulness training as a treatment for female sexual dysfunction.

 

In today’s Research News article “Mindfulness-Based Sex Therapy Improves Genital-Subjective Arousal Concordance in Women with Sexual Desire/Arousal Difficulties”

See: https://www.facebook.com/ContemplativeStudiesCenter/photos/a.628903887133541.1073741828.627681673922429/1204644279559496/?type=3&theater or see below.

Brotto and colleagues assessed the effectiveness of Mindfulness-Based Sex Therapy (MBST) on physical and psychological sexual arousal in women who were seeking treatment for sexual desire and/or arousal concerns. MBST is a 4-week program involving a combination of psychoeducation, sex therapy, and training in mindfulness-based skills. Arousal was measured while women were watching either a neutral or an erotic film. Physiological arousal was measured with a vaginal photoplethysmograph which continuously measured vaginal pulse amplitude. Psychological arousal was measured at the same time by subjective report.

 

They found that the relationship between subjective sexual arousal and physiological arousal increased after treatment, but the relationship between physiological sexual arousal and subjective arousal did not. These results indicate that the therapy improved the alignment between how they are feeling subjectively with its physical consequences. Since, mindfulness training is known to improve the awareness of both the mind and body in the present moment, it makes sense that a mindfulness based therapy would increase their alignment.

 

Many women with female sexual dysfunction often complain that they feel disconnected sexually. Hence, better aligning psychological and physical responses to sexual stimuli may be very helpful in treating the problem. This suggests that Mindfulness-Based Sex Therapy may be a useful therapeutic tool to help women struggling with their sexuality.

 

So, reduce difficulties with sex with mindfulness.

 

“A key factor in having better sex is actually being there when you’re having it. Being there not just physically — being fully present, in thought, word and deed. . . It isn’t about adding props or toys or costumes — it’s about really showing up and tuning in, to the moment, yourself and your partner.” – Marsha Lucas

 

CMCS – Center for Mindfulness and Contemplative Studies

 

 

Study Summary

RESEARCH NEWS – Mindfulness-Based Sex Therapy helps align subjective with physical arousal in women with sexual desire and arousal difficulties.

 

Brotto LA, Chivers ML, Millman RD, Albert A. Mindfulness-Based Sex Therapy Improves Genital-Subjective Arousal Concordance in Women with Sexual Desire/Arousal Difficulties. Arch Sex Behav. 2016 Feb 26. [Epub ahead of print]

 

Abstract

There is emerging evidence for the efficacy of mindfulness-based interventions for improving women’s sexual functioning. To date, this literature has been limited to self-reports of sexual response and distress. Sexual arousal concordance-the degree of agreement between self-reported sexual arousal and psychophysiological sexual response-has been of interest due to the speculation that it may be a key component to healthy sexual functioning in women. We examined the effects of mindfulness-based sex therapy on sexual arousal concordance in a sample of women with sexual desire/arousal difficulties (n = 79, M age 40.8 years) who participated in an in-laboratory assessment of sexual arousal using a vaginal photoplethysmograph before and after four sessions of group mindfulness-based sex therapy. Genital-subjective sexual arousal concordance significantly increased from pre-treatment levels, with changes in subjective sexual arousal predicting contemporaneous genital sexual arousal (but not the reverse). These findings have implications for our understanding of the mechanisms by which mindfulness-based sex therapy improves sexual functioning in women, and suggest that such treatment may lead to an integration of physical and subjective arousal processes. Moreover, our findings suggest that future research might consider the adoption of sexual arousal concordance as a relevant endpoint in treatment outcome research of women with sexual desire/arousal concerns.

 

Religion and Spirituality have Different Relationships with Sexual Attitudes

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Spirituality Sex Ahrold2

“Spiritualizing sex is actually a movement of energy—feeling and emotion—that rises within you and moves into your sexual physicality as an alive, tender, erotic, or passionate expression. Your bodies move without inhibition so all the energy can flow out of you and between the two of you. You allow spiritual energy to express its dance through you. Sexuality can be a profound demonstration of your love, and especially your freedom, to express and bond. Spiritual sex, then, combines how you express your love with the intentions or blessings you bring to your partnership.” ― Alexandra Katehakis

 

Sex is a powerful motivation that is responsible for both very positive and very negative behavior. Its negative potential has resulted in a myriad of laws and regulations not to mention social mores, to control it. This is very evident in traditional religions and their teachings. The control of sexual behavior plays a prominent role in most religions. This ranges from celibacy to polygamy to prohibitions against sex outside of marriage, to its use for procreation only.

 

Many of these prohibitions result in frustration and repression. In many this can produce negative consequences. But, sometimes sexual motivation can find expression in sublimation, a creative and positive substitution of a socially acceptable outlet for the prohibited behavior. Unfortunately, in others sexual frustrations can result in release of abhorrent behaviors such as forced sex. Hence it is clearly important to understand how religion and spirituality affect sexual behavior.

 

In today’s Research News article “The Relationship among Sexual Attitudes, Sexual Fantasy, and Religiosity”

https://www.facebook.com/ContemplativeStudiesCenter/photos/a.628903887133541.1073741828.627681673922429/1133798173310774/?type=3&theater

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4419361/

Ahrold and colleagues studied sexual attitudes and sexual fantasies in college students with diverse religious affiliations. They found not surprisingly that those who were not affiliated with a formal religion, agnostics, had the most sexually liberal attitudes of any group. They also found that higher levels of intrinsic religiosity were consistently associated with more conservative sexual attitudes. That is the participants who were more sincere and devout about their religion had the most conservative sexual attitudes. Interestingly they also found a large gender difference in the relationship of spirituality with sexual attitudes. High levels of spirituality were associated with less conservative sexual attitudes in men but more conservative sexual attitudes in women.

 

It is not surprising that the true believers (intrinsic religiosity) would be more conservative in sexual attitudes. This simply reflects the teachings of most religions. Hence those that are sincere and devout in their religion would be expected to follow those teachings regarding sex. Unlike religiosity, high levels of spirituality had gender specific associations, with men more liberal and women more conservative in their sexual attitudes. But when intrinsic religiosity was considered along with spirituality the results were more straightforward with spirituality associated with more liberal sexual attitudes across all participants.

 

It’s interesting that spirituality and intrinsic religiosity appeared to act in different directions. “Whereas religiosity refers to importance of an organized belief system” its effects line up with the teachings of the religion. On the other hand, “spirituality refers to the subjective, experiential relationship with or understanding of a divine being or force.” This does not produce clear teachings and dogma; thus allowing for more liberal interpretations as to what behaviors and attitudes are appropriate to be expressed (see Katehakis quote above).

 

Regardless, it is clear that religion and spirituality play a powerful role in shaping sexual attitudes.

 

“A man’s eroticism is a woman’s sexuality.” ~ Karl Kraus

 

CMCS – Center for Mindfulness and Contemplative Studies

 

Be Less Dependent upon Others with Mindfulness

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“Authority refers to an interpersonal relation in which one person looks upon another as somebody superior to him.” – Erich Fromm
The human being is a social animal. We need other people as the oft quoted saying goes “no man is an island.” But people vary greatly in how much they need other people. Some people are very independent and do not have a strong need to rely upon and be with others, while other people are very dependent on others for comfort and support. High interpersonal dependency is frequently related to low self-esteem, depression, and social anxiety. This can reach a level of a pathological dependence where the individual is totally dependent on others and has an impaired sense of self.

 

An extreme level of dependency on other people is diagnosed as dependent personality disorder. This disorder occurs in about 0.6% of the population and is characterized by an inability to make decisions alone, a need for constant reassurance, feelings of uncomfortableness and helplessness when alone, unrealistic fears of being abandoned, and excessive effort to be supported by others. The individual who is so dependent will want to pass over the responsibly for their life to other people as much as possible. They will also tend to feel helpless if other people are not around to offer guidance and support, and will not disagree with others for fear of loss of that support. Needless to say, the individual cannot function effectively and some form of therapy is needed.

 

Mindfulness training would in theory be helpful for interpersonal dependency. This follows from the ability of mindfulness to help improve emotion regulation, reduce depression, worry, and anxiety, and improve reappraisal skills. In today’s Research News article “The Application of Mindfulness for Interpersonal Dependency: Effects of a Brief Intervention”

https://www.facebook.com/ContemplativeStudiesCenter/photos/a.628903887133541.1073741828.627681673922429/1119616148062310/?type=3&theater

McClintock and Anderson first induced a dependency mood in undergraduate students who were high in interpersonal dependency. This induction greatly increased anxiety and negative emotions in the students. They then treated the students with either a brief (20 min) mindfulness training or a similar control condition that required concentration and imagination but not mindfulness. They found that the brief mindfulness training significantly increased mindfulness, and decreased anxiety and negative emotions. They further found that the mindfulness facet of decentering was completely responsible for the effectiveness of the mindfulness training.

 

These results are very interesting and suggest that mindfulness training may be an effective treatment for interpersonal dependence. They further suggest that the mindfulness facet of decentering is responsible for the effectiveness. Decentering involves a change from personally identifying with thoughts and feelings to relating to one’s experience in a wider field of awareness. In other words mindfulness training produces a reduction in the personalization of experience. This allows the individual to interpret experience as not always about themselves, providing objectivity in interpreting experience. Since interpersonal dependence relies upon the individual interpreting experience as reflective of their personal ineffectualness and worthlessness, the reinterpretation allowed by decentering would be quite beneficial.

 

Obviously, much work needs to be done to demonstrate that mindfulness training is effective for dependent personality disorder in clinical application and over a longer period of time. But the present results suggest the more intensive investigation is warranted.

 

So, practice mindfulness and be less dependent on others.

 

CMCS – Center for Mindfulness and Contemplative Studies

 

Have a Healthy Relationship with Mindfulness

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Relationships can be challenging especially when one partner has medical needs that need to be provided by the spouse. This puts great strain on a relationship and engenders a wide range of emotional responses from compassion, to guilt, to anger, to depression.

In a previous post we discussed how mindfulness training can be employed to help relieve pain http://contemplative-studies.org/wp/index.php/2015/07/17/mindfulness-the-pain-killer/. But, how does mindfulness affect pain in a social environment? In particular, can mindfulness in a caregiver make it easier to assist a chronic pain patient? In today’s Research News article “Spousal Mindfulness and Social Support in Couples with Chronic Pain”

https://www.facebook.com/ContemplativeStudiesCenter/photos/a.628903887133541.1073741828.627681673922429/1070466376310621/?type=1&theater

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4013202/

Williams and colleagues explore this very question and find that spouses with high mindfulness were better caregivers.

When a spouse was high in mindful non-judging and non-reacting they were much less likely to meet a spouses behavior with negative responses. Spouses who mindfully act with awareness are perceived by the pain patient as more responsive, providing more support, and less negative. These characteristics are very important for maintaining a positive and supportive environment. Hence, the spouse’s mindfulness has a big impact on their ability to maintain an atmosphere conducive to effective assistance with chronic pain. It is always good to have empirical evidence, but the results here are not surprising. They fit with how mindful people act in general. They are more positive, empathetic, less critical and handle stress better.

Mindfulness has been shown to increase emotion regulation, the ability to feel emotions fully and to effectively respond to them. A spousal relationship, especially when taxed by one partner having a medical condition, can be full of emotion. For a healthy relationship these emotions must not be denied or suppressed but fully felt yet without allowing them to produce behaviors that would make things worse. This emotion regulation characteristic of mindful individuals may underlie why they can be effective caregivers.

Another stress of caring for a chronically ill person is that the caregiver can perceive the future negatively. It would be easy to catastrophize, by seeing things to be bad and getting worse leading to an intolerable situation. This could lead to a feeling of hopelessness. In addition, the interactions with the ill spouse can then be colored by the vision of a terrible future. Mindfulness, by focusing the caregiving spouse on the present moment and appreciating what is right in front of him/her can mitigate catastrophizing. This has been well documented in the research literature. This obviously would lead to better interactions and more effective caregiving.

Finally, caregiving can be very stressful. This can lead to negative emotions and can be detrimental to the caregiving spouse’s health. Since mindfulness training has been well documented to reduce responses to stress, both emotional and physical, the impact of the stress on the mindful spouse would be mitigated.

So, be mindful and have a better relationship even when your spouse is ill.

CMCS

 

Loving Kindness Meditation and Social Function

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Humans are social creatures. All that the species has accomplished resulted from its ability to work together and build upon the work of others. Beyond, the importance of the group, interactions with other people are fundamental to personal well-being. People need to be with and connected with others.

Social connections are crucial to our health and happiness. Hence, it is very important for the individual to have effective satisfying social relationships. Unfortunately, interacting with other people is extremely complex and many find it very difficult to effectively engage with others. Some are better than others, but everyone struggles with human interaction to some extent. Hence it is important for us to find ways to improve how we interact with other people.

Mindfulness in general appears to improve social relationships. In today’s Research News article “The interventional effects of loving-kindness meditation on positive emotions and interpersonal interactions.”

https://www.facebook.com/ContemplativeStudiesCenter/photos/a.628903887133541.1073741828.627681673922429/1043326459024613/?type=1&theater

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4450657/

one form of mindfulness training, Loving Kindness Meditation (LKM), is shown to be quite effective in facilitating interpersonal interactions, and enhancing the complex understanding of others. This appears to produce an enhanced ability to interact socially and to increase positive emotions, improving the individual happiness.

Loving Kindness Meditation (LKM) is a meditative practice that focuses on repeatedly wishing well to the self and others. It focuses on developing feelings of goodwill, kindness and warmth towards the self and others. It is simple in concept, yet powerful in effect. How can this simple practice improve one’s social relationships?

LKM appears to increase positive emotional states and it is known that we tend to find people experiencing positive emotions as more attractive. In addition, feeling positive emotions in the presence of others increases our self-confidence and enjoyment of social interactions. LKM like other forms of meditation reduces perceived stress. Many people find social interactions stressful. So reducing perceived stress should make it easier to engage with other people.

These effects by themselves could account for LKM’s improvement of social interactions.

LKM has been shown to increase compassion and empathy and decrease biases. It also increases our feelings about ourselves and decreases self-criticism. These effects of LKM produce more positive and caring feelings towards ourselves and others. Not only does this make us feel better about others, it is communicated either verbally or nonverbally to others making them feel better about us, hence, improving interactions. Indeed, being around people who like themselves and understand others on an emotional level, induces positive feelings toward these people and is very attractive, facilitating interpersonal connection.

Finally, LKM appears to have direct effects on our ability to engage in social interactions. LKM is associated with increases in prosocial behavior, increasing helping behavior. It also improves feelings of social connection. In addition, it improves our ability to have a sophisticated understanding of other people in their full complexity. All of these effects of LKM positively influence our ability and effectiveness in interacting with others.

Loving Kindness Meditation appears to be a technique to help us develop positive feeling toward ourselves and others. This makes us want to help others, feel good in their presence, and helps us understand and care for them. It’s quite amazing that such a simple practice could have such far reaching effects.

So, practice Loving Kindness Meditation and be better socially.

CMCS

What Makes Mindfulness Sexy

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Mindfulness has been shown to have tremendous benefits for physical and psychological health. It has also been shown to improve social interactions. It now appears that it can even make men seem more romantically attractive.

In today’s Research News article, “Individual differences in dispositional mindfulness and initial romantic attraction: A speed dating experiment”

https://www.facebook.com/ContemplativeStudiesCenter/photos/a.628903887133541.1073741828.627681673922429/1038792149478044/?type=1&theater

it is shown that the more mindful a man is the more attractive he is to women, even when physical attractiveness is taken into account. Interestingly, it doesn’t work the other way around. Mindfulness does not add to the attractiveness of women beyond physical attractiveness.

How does mindfulness increase the attractiveness of men? One possibility is that mindfulness makes one more attentive to the present moment. That should make more attentive to the woman he’s interacting with. That he’s focused on her and not mind wandering would tend to improve the interaction and thereby increase attractiveness. Also, greater attention to one’s partner’s responses and non-verbal behavior may improve the quality of the interaction.

Another possibility is that mindfulness is associated with better health and it is known that healthy individuals are more attractive. Also, mindfulness is associated with greater happiness and happy people are more attractive.

An additional possibility is that mindfulness is associated with improved emotion regulation. That is a mindful individual is more in control of emotions and responses to emotions. A highly mindful individual then would appear less nervous and more in control and confident. This would heighten attractiveness.

Finally, high dispositional mindfulness is associated with positive relationship outcomes and mindfulness interventions enhance couple satisfaction, so it is possible women are attracted to men displaying mindfulness as a marker of potential relationship commitment and functioning.

So, men be mindful and be attractive.

CMCS